You know, I originally started this journal for just one real reason. The primary one was that I wanted to write down my thoughts on key topics for prosperity. Not famous prosperity, but for my own reflection at a later date. I’m tired of looking back on events and not really understanding them, because I can’t remember the details within my own head, that aren’t evident to 3rd party witnesses.
At some point though, I decided to publish it. I guess I kind of like the idea of people being able to read some of my more intimate thoughts. Plus it’s a good place to bitch and all that, and to have a URL to point people towards on particular points. 🙂
But still, it’s primary purpose is somewhat suppressed by being publicly available… it’s scary to try and share your innermost thoughts with people you know. Heck, I could handle complete strangers fine – it’s my friends that worry me. (yeah, I’m looking mainly at Rob at this point, since he’s the only one who reads this at the moment 🙂 )
Like it or not, we all present different faces to people. It’s not really dishonest – well, not in my case anyway – but more a way of dealing more smoothly with people. I’m sure people can sympathise when I say I sure as heck don’t talk to my grandparents the same way I talk to my friends. I think most people are in that boat. It’s kind of one of those big secrets everyone knows, and has that slight inward smile towards. White lies, and all that. Although not lies… just… different perspectives. Only the perspectives we permit.
So it is hard to be open and honest with an any-man audience. How can I maintain continuity amongst everyone who reads this? Can’t please everyone all the time, and all that. Despite my trivialisation of that quote here, it’s very true.
(if you haven’t figured out why there’s a Ramblings category, boy you’re behind the eight-ball 😛 )
I also worry about being truly honest, because deep down inside there’s things you don’t really want people knowing. Things you think at times, dark wishes – and desires, if we’re being honest, although don’t get to excited, I’m not that evil – and so forth. There’s always the danger of “word vomit”, if I can steal from the movie Mean Girls a little… where you say something from deep inside which is totally honest, but is so unusual to be vocalised that no one understands it in proper context. At least, not immediately. (I’m talking in a deeper sense than the “but she’s cheating on you!” crap from Mean Girls… run with me here, okay? 🙂 )
I mean, it’s all about conflict I guess. Everyone has internal conflicts. This evil investigation I’m doing into Laura’s online activity is a relevant one at this point in time. Sitting back for a wider perspective, what I’m doing is kind of scary. It’s really not nice. I’m not sure what drives it – boredom, anger, sheer lack of respect… I’m going with the latter, since that’s clearly a problem in this case. Laura would probably say – well, she has – that it’s that childish boy thing of being mean to the girl you’ve got a crush on. I don’t like that idea, because I wonder if perhaps that’s how this started, so there may be some truth in it. But it’s certainly not true now.
You see, that’s something that could come back to bite me, if Laura ever gets wind of it. But it’s just an internal dialogue forced down onto pixels… it’s not final. I don’t know how it’ll end. It’s so much easier not to reveal these sorts of things, and just cruise through life on autopilot. Sort it all out in hindsight, you know. What I think is the truth now could change in relatively little time. But people will too easily cling to an old opinion, an old “truth”… I guess that’s what makes it hard to be honest; the changing your mind later bit.
Hmm…. no more Ramblings entries after midnight.
And you know, the thing that kicked this off was the movie “50 First Dates”. A very good romantic comedy. I guess it’s plucked those lonely heart strings in some way, which I find always leads to self-reflection… you know, “why not me?” kind of stuff. Really annoying, but it happens. And that’s when I start getting the whole mellow free-love kinda thing going, and feel bad about all these silly little things I’ve done. I mean, in the grand scheme of things Laura’s life is already completed screwed up enough that me simply seeing who’s in her MSN Messenger list is not going to make much difference. But when you start “judging” yourself, it’s often the trivial things that weigh heavily, exactly because they’re so trivial. They should be easy to let go. To do the right thing.
Of course, whatever that really is.