We need you to get us to prove you exist

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So…. banks. Yay.

I went to open an online savings account. Which should be about as hard as logging in and clicking “Create new account”. Why it’s even necessary – just pay me damn interest on my checking account already, stupids – I don’t know, but let’s ignore rationality for a moment. We’ll soon have to toss it out anyway.

So yes, I did this. And I had to enter my entire life story all over again, despite already having an account and already having gone through all this crap before.

And then, after all that stupidity which I patiently put up with for reasons not entirely clear to me at all, they get back to me and say “oh, no, sorry, we can’t verify your address”. I just moved, you see. And I did change my address, to their knowledge, about a week prior. So they know what my new address is, and while they won’t believe it enough to open a new account, they do believe it enough to send all correspondence for my existing accounts there, and that the person living there has access to my accounts online, and therefore all my money, anyway. Clearly there is no level of trust required for those things, no.

Anyway, after paraphrasing “WTF?” to them, they came up with the line that because I haven’t lived at this address for at least six months (eh?!?) they need proof of residency. So they’re requiring me to send them a copy of my driver’s license and a bank statement. Yes, they actually asked, and I questioned the women on the phone explicitly, saying that was nonsensical, and she just reiterated.

And it turns out they also want a whole bunch more stuff, too.

Just for further humour value I actually went into the bank in person to see if they could sort it out. After speaking with two people, it boiled down to “oh, no, that’s an online savings account, we’re a branch, we only know about branch savings accounts (WTH?), sorry, can’t help you”.

So for now at least, no savings for me.

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